Life on this side of a Calling

My life here in the States is a constant combination of mixed emotions. Waiting patiently; Bursting with excitement. Struggling with contentment; Perfectly happy and joyful. Praying for time to fly by; Cherishing every moment. Keeping busy; Staying calm. Crying out of fear; Crying out of excitement. Pushing people away; Pulling everyone closer. Learning; Teaching. Hurting; Rejoicing. The last few months have been crazy emotional. Most of the time I have it all together, but sometimes I break down for no apparent reason.

The other day I found myself doubled over in my closet crying over a pair of shorts. Shorts. No big deal, right? That’s what I thought until I was hanging them up at the back of my closet as I realized I wont be needing them any more. In Guatemala, women don’t wear shorts, and I wont be coming back to the States during the summers. Thus, my need for shorts as winter has approached is basically gone. The tears came.

You’re probably thinking something along the lines of “really, Andrea? They’re just shorts. Why does it matter?” But the thing is, with shorts, and all clothing really, is that I’ve become a little more than attached. I bought my shorts thinking, “these basically define my style, which basically defines me.” I live for the summers of short and Chaco wearing attire. It’s who I am, but then again, I’m also a missionary. I’m called to Guatemala, and shorts don’t matter. Living life within my calling will be a lot better than wearing my shorts. The tears stopped.

This, sadly, has been a regular thing for the past few months for myself, friends, and family alike, especially my mom. My mom and I will be sitting on the couch joking about the hideous clothes some celebrity is wearing or some stupid commercial, and all of a sudden I look over and she’s bawling, which automatically makes me tear up. We then start laughing because we are both crying. It’s comical actually. Sometimes I feel as if my life would make a very entertaining sitcom.

It’s these things, the little bits of my life that I take for granted that I am going to miss most of all as I travel away from home. I have been blessed with so much. My family and I have grown so much closer in the last year than ever. Maybe it’s just a coming of age thing, but for the first time I appreciate my family not just because of what they do for me, but because of who they are. My relationship with my brothers has grown dramatically over the past year, so much that I consider Garrett one of my best friends. He knows my life in a way nobody else ever could, and yet he loves me all the more for it. It’s beautiful, really. God knew what He was doing when he put me in the family he did. Thinking about leaving them is more than difficult, and I don’t think anyone other than a fellow missionary can understand what it’s like to give up everything I’ve ever known, yet the peace of the Lord is present, constantly. I am scared of the unknown life that is ahead of me, yet ready to take the dive.

In the meantime, I am doing my best to capture every little moment in anticipation for my journey to Guatemala. My heart is bursting with joy just thinking about it. I’ve been waiting a long time for this. I want it more than anything else. Yet I have a few more months to prepare, and soak up all the love I can get. I’m sure I’ll be crying about this in a few minutes, but as for now, I’m super pumped, and extremely excited to see what God has in store for me in both the preparation and the journey.