I feel like I could write for days about the ways God has been working in my heart in the last few months. I have written this blog over and over again, but no words I write on a page will accurately depict the changes, the lessons, and the second chances I have experienced recently.
God has been working in my life in ways that I have always longed for, but never imagined could actually happen to me. In Hebrews 6 it says that hope is an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. For the first time in quite awhile I feel that I am filled with hope. The hope that God is going to use me. The hope that my ministry will change lives. The hope that I am walking toward what God most wants for me.
One of the things I both love and hate about the God I serve is the fact that he insists on using people's weaknesses to show that He is strong. God sometimes gives us tasks that he knows we cannot complete on our own. He asks us to do things that will never be done without complete and total reliance on him. It is completely against my human nature to work with my weaknesses. I like people to think I am strong, that I have it figured out, that I know exactly what I am doing and am confident that I am doing it right. Thankfully, that is not my reality. I am weak and feeble, leaning on a God that carries the world in his hands. And there is something so encouraging and powerful to know that He chose me despite my weaknesses (maybe even because of them).
Though I appear to be independent and at times rebellious of societal pressures, I am insecure and straight up fearful when it comes to doing things on my own. I don't like being put in a place where I could "fail" (whatever that means). But with each day and each little stumble, I am learning what it truly means to rejoice in my weaknesses. I am learning to accept that the cracks and imperfections that cover the surface of my life are what make me so valuable to God. It is because of these faults and this brokenness, that it is unmistakingly clear that anything I do is not from my own power, but something much greater.
When I returned to Guatemala a month ago, I had absolutely no idea what God wanted from me. I was discouraged, beaten down, and full of shame. I had spent two months in the States, and frankly it wasn't the least bit relaxing. I was feeling pressure from every angle. The devil put lies in my head telling me that I should just give up my dream and do the "normal thing". I was downtrodden, broken, and bruised, but despite my illness, my brokenness, and the lapse in joy, one thing was certain: I had to return to Guatemala.
I didn't know what I would encounter when returning to the place I now lovingly call home. I was open to anything and everything, praying that God would guide every step. Trusting that He would lead me, just as he once led Abraham in the "Walk until I tell you to stop" manner. The first few steps were the hardest, but as I started walking tentatively and prayerfully, one small step after another, I came to realize that trusting the Lord was the only thing that would bring me to my destination.
In my mind I had it all planned out. My back up plans were prepared and I'm sure God just chuckled knowingly as I clumsily strategized how, when, and where He was going to lead me. A week after I arrived in Guatemala, I picked up my parents from the airport to take them to the Intermissions Conference (a weekend conference where missionaries from all over Guatemala gather for fellowship and worship). Throughout the weekend, my dad would be counseling the missionaries and teaching workshops, I would be relaxing (and in my mind making all kinds of promising connections) and my mom would be hanging out, loving me, and helping me step out of my box and network. The conference was completely encouraging and uplifting, but I left feeling a little discouraged because I still had no promising leads as to where to even begin looking for work. I prayed and prayed that God would just make it clear to me. That I would be overwhelmed with clarity.
The night after the conference I found myself laying in bed thinking about a question my dad had asked in a class about a month before: "If Jesus was here on Earth for one day where would He be, who would He be with, and what would He be doing?" The answer to this question differs quite completely from person to person, because God has given us all passion and compassion for different things, thus there is no right answer (which I hate). I thought about this question for weeks. The fact that I could not come up with an answer bothered me more than you can imagine. If Jesus were on the Earth for just a day would he go to Africa? The US? Asia? Would he feed the hungry? Would he be preaching? Would he focus on a small group? A large group? Would he do miracles? Finally, I came up with the answer I think I have feared for years: He would love the broken, renew the hearts of the discouraged, and nurse back to health the shattered hearts.
My dad founded a Christian counseling ministry called Plumbline when I was an infant, thus his ministry has been a part of my life since I was a child. Most MK's run as far away from the ministry life as they can, but I've never been one to follow the stereotypes. In my short 19 years, I have seen hearts renewed, lives changed, people healed, and souls saved, but it was never without hard work and hours spent in counseling sessions. I think as Christians we like to believe that once we have Jesus in our lives, the past goes away, and the hurts just don't hurt so bad. Sadly, it's just not true. There has to be healing.
Since living in Guatemala I have seen time and time again spiritual band-aids put on deep wounds. It doesn't do much to really heal the wound as much as just cover it up. I want to change that. I feel that God has put the burden on my heart to follow the passion that has been branded into my mind since childhood: bringing healing to a broken soul through counseling.
With this newfound clarity came a lot of confusion. I found myself feeling overwhelmed without even leaving my bedroom or putting on shoes. The vision of a counseling center is the goal. It is the dream that may take a lifetime to build, but the question remained: What is step one?
I prayed for a whole ten minutes before receiving a text message from a missionary that I had met the first night of the conference and talked with for about 5 minutes the entire weekend. I, being the doubtful crazy person I am, ignored it and kept on praying. I went through my day, buying groceries, visiting a friend, delivering my laundry to the service, and my thoughts kept coming back to that text message that sat idly in my inbox. I planned to call her in the afternoon. Before lunchtime, my phone rang and I was thrilled to see that the same person that had messaged me was now calling me. "Persistent. I like persistent," I thought as I managed to drive my standard down the cobblestone streets and answer my phone, holding it with my ear and shoulder as I switched gears. We chatted for a few minutes about language school and living in Antigua. I smiled as I drove wondering just what God was going to do. I was delighted when she invited me to her home to chat and help me find connections in the missionary community. Little did I know, the conversation we had in front of her house that same afternoon and the agreement that I would help her with her kids the following days would quickly turn into a ministry partnership. I think God smiled as he said, "Andrea, stop. This is it, look around, this is what I have given you".
To say that God has been faithful is the understatement of the century. He has blessed me more than I could ever deserve. He has loved and comforted me more than I can even fathom. He has taken me from the pit of my despair, and set me on firm ground once again, and I feel overwhelmed with the peace of His wonderful presence.
I am still trying to figure out the logistics of how God will use me. I have no clue where he will lead, or what my ministry will grow into as the years progress, but never have I been more confident in the Lords ability to lead me.
Romans 5:3-5
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save; He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.
