They tell me to “hold them loosely” but as hard as I try, I can’t loosen my grip. At least not yet.
My heart was never prepared for this. Growing up in Tulsa, Oklahoma, I have had the same friends since before I could even speak. We have pictures together eating animal crackers in the church nursery and dressed up in high heals with lipstick all over our faces at each others slumber parties. Never have I been good at letting go, for I have never had much practice.
Since moving to Guatemala I have seen so many people, loving, passionate, wonderful people, walk out of my life just as quickly as they walked in. This life is transient. People come and go, and growing close to anyone is one of my greatest fears, for the fear of later losing them.
Yet here I am, working with and growing daily closer and more in love with the children of Casa del Destino (House of Destiny) knowing in the back of my mind that at some point I will have to let my grip relax, and let these sweet children walk away to their new life. Their life without me. People try to encourage me, “They will be so happy with their new family,” “they deserve this,” and all I can say is I know. I know these kids will be so happy and blessed by their new families. I know God hand picked their families for them. I know that they have the right to a family that loves them. I know they have a destiny to do amazing things whether we are in the picture or not, but until that day comes, I will not let them go.
While they are here, while they are with us, we get to hold them as tight as possible. They are ours until they are not. I will not hold them loosely. I will hold them as tightly snuggled to my chest as I possibly can until there is somebody else to take my place, because they also deserve that. Happiness doesn’t start the day they get adopted, it starts the day Casa del Destino receives them, for the house I work in is full of people, me included, who love no matter the turn out.
A few weeks ago one of our babies got adopted out of our house. I know that his adoption is exactly what God had planned for him, but though that makes it easier to let go, it doesn’t make the pain go away. Pablo’s name still comes up daily at the house. The workers and I talk about him and day dream about what he might be doing at the moment. The other kids tell stories that start with “Remember that time Pablo...” and pray for him at the dinner table and before bed. We talk about how he made us laugh, and how sometimes we still think “OH! I better go get Pablo!” and then remember that that is not our job anymore, but his mom’s. His absence has left a Pablito sized hole in our house. And it’s a hole that will never go away. Pablo belonged with us until he belonged with them. His sweet smile, his little booty crack showing when his diaper was heavy, and Elvis style hair will never be forgotten. For this little guy changed our hearts and our lives just by living and loving us.
Kids have the ability to change people without trying. Have you ever heard a mom say, “I was the most prepared mom in the world, until I saw his face, then everything changed and all of a sudden I had no clue”? Well they say it not because it’s the cliche thing to say but because its true.
Kids push us to our limits. They have the ability to infuriate you, only to smile a second later, melting away all rage. They have the gift of finding your buttons and pushing them over and over again, like one of those annoying baby pianos that everyone- except the parents who live with it- think are “cute”. Yet, in all of that craziness, kids also have the ability to melt your heart, make you a better person, teach you to love, teach you what it means to sacrifice, and break your heart only to put it back together with their little pudgy fingers.
Right now, in this country there are hundreds of thousands of kids that have been abandoned, left in the streets, their parents have died or simply lost their rights to them. There are kids who have never known the love of an earthly father, never even seen his face, never known his name. There are kids who have nothing and no one because their parents couldn’t or wouldn’t go through the challenges in order to have the greatest privilege the world can offer- raising a child.
Right now, Casa del Destino, the orphanage that I work at, has felt in their hearts that it is time to take in more babies. When babies come to the home we never know what condition they will be in or what their stories are. Sometimes we don’t even know their full name or date of birth, but what we do know is from that day on that baby will be fed, clothed, held, taught, played with, prayed over, and most importantly, it will be oh so loved.
In order for this to happen, we need money. To be honest, sometimes the numbers seem like too much, but we know and will speak in faith when we say that God WILL provide, not just for us, but for the precious children we have yet to know. God already knows them, already loves them, and already has a beautiful plan for them.
Because I know you are wondering, it costs about $450 a month to clothe, feed, diaper, and care for a child in our home.
The children that come to us are special. They have a destiny and God planned future, that we get to be a part of. I promise, I will get attached, and some day, much like the day Pablo left us, I will have to loosen my grip on them and let them go, but until that day, we will love them and do everything we can to let them know that their Heavenly Father wants them, loves them, and will fight to have them by his side.
Letting go will never be something I get used to. Having people leave is never easy, but loving them is always worth it. God works in ways that are so powerful and mysterious that we may never know what comes from our actions, words, gifts, prayers, but I assure you that they will be used.
In order to invest in the life of a child, to save them from the streets, clean them up, and give them a home, you can pray for us, share this post, click the like button, or donate. Please, don’t forget about us. The harvest is great...
"Pure and genuine religion in the sight of God the Father means caring for orphans and widows in their distress and refusing to let the world corrupt you" James 1:27
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