Religion Rant

Sometimes in order to get words to flow from my mouth, I have to first let them flow onto paper, so here I am exercising my words, my thoughts, my opinions, my life. I've been listening to a lot of sermon's lately. It seems that when my words seem to quit flowing, the words of others do an incredible job of relighting a fire in my soul. If you haven't ever listened to Ed Gungor's sermons... you should. His words and the light that flows from them challenges me in ways that my eager heart needs and craves. Awhile back we had this movement of a bunch of hipster Christians that "hated religion". I, admittedly, was one of them. I spoke the words, "It's not a religion, it's a relationship" Lord only knows how many times, and ranted about how the church has turned this incredible relationship into something so much less like a passionate love story and more like a grudge filled check list.
Well, this is my new rant. What I have learned in the past months is that to love is to work. It's not convenient. It doesn't always feel good. And at times the big bright exit sign seems to be flashing in neon lights. But love says that quitting isn't an option because for whatever reason, doing something I hate for someone I love is worth it.
Let's get real. Who really enjoys reading Leviticus? I'm attempting for the first time to read the Bible all the way through within this year. I was doing what I considered a great job until I reached the point that I had to read Leviticus. (It goes out of order, so really it was like 4 months into the process). Let me tell you, Leviticus is NOT a fun book to read. Every night when I sat down to read I found myself repenting that I just couldn't get myself to care. I read with heavy eyes, grudging through each new way to kill and eat some animal to atone for this or that sin, and I must say, I found myself praying that God would give me supernatural reading abilities so I could get through it faster. But you know what? It wasn't for nothing. Though I have yet to have a deep conversation with anyone on the subject of Leviticus, I realized during the week it took me to read it that my love for the Lord was growing. The inspiring, uplifting, challenging verses are great, and they have got me through a lot of stuff, but for whatever reason, the fact that I was reading something so utterly uninteresting to me because I said I would changed my perspective on so many things. You see, relationships are not easy. I can't imagine my mother ever saying that she loved changing diapers so much that every time she did it just lit a little fire in her soul. No, I happen to know my mother does not really enjoy changing diapers, but she did it because she loved me, and for whatever reason, she loves me more because of the innumerable diapers she changed in my babyhood. That, my friends, it what makes love grow.
It's the gross things, the wiping of the snot, the diaper cleaning, the chores, the errands, the nasty that helps love grow. Please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying reading the Bible, praying, fasting, and such is nasty, but I must admit, sometimes it's just not desirable. I mean, we live in the world of Netflix, Facebook, Twitter and the like, and all these things scream CONSUME, while the Lord says, SACRIFICE.
So no matter how much you hate it or how "little time" you have, read your Bible. Grudge your way through Leviticus, and talk to God during the day, more than just meal times. Sacrifice something. It SUCKS, let me tell you, but that's what makes that "passionate relationship" with your Savior more than just a book full of inspiring quotes and a cool Jesus t-shirt. It makes it real. You have to have some religion to have a relationship. You have to have a relationship for the religion to be worth it. So don't go all one way or all the other. The check list wont get you to heaven. In fact you may make it to the pearly gates with all your checks in the boxes just for the Lord of the Universe to say "I never knew you." You may get there, expecting your WWJD bracelet and your "Jesus is my homeboy" shirt to be enough to give you a pass to the streets of gold, and Jesus will just look at you and shake his head, tears in his eyes, sad that for all that time and all your best intentions, you missed it.


^{Matthew 7:21-23}  “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven. ²² Many will say to Me in that day, ‘Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name?’ ²³ And then I will declare to them, ‘I never knew you; depart from Me'.

John 12:25
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"Whoever loves his life loses it, and whoever hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life."

And the Walls Came Crumbling Down

As here I sit, on my comfy new couch, pictures strewn across the floor, the dishes from dinner with my neighbors piled up in the sink, and the rain falling peacefully on my metal roof one word fills my heart: contentment. In the past month or two I have found that Guatemala is becoming deeper etched into my soul. My dreams have been filled with laughing children, profound ideas, and an ever expanding promise. I don't know what God has for me in the next weeks, months, years, etc. but I do know that where I am right now is exactly where I'm supposed to be and that God is taking advantage of every second of it.

Never has my heart been more exposed than it is now. Yet never has it been more secure in the hands of my Savior, my Protector and Friend.  I have fallen in love with this place, and the people who fill it. I have brought people close, loved them like I would never have let myself before, and opened my heart, praying that the the benefits and relationships from this will outweigh the hurt that could come at any given moment. 

One thing I have come to know full well is that building walls and guarding my heart, keeps people from seeing the One who lives in it. In the past I decided that building walls was the easiest way to survive. With walls in place it was nearly impossible to get hurt, and when someone or something mades it over the wall, it meant I needed to build them stronger, higher, and thicker. I hid my heart away from anything that could bring me pain. Though I appeared like a happy, genuine, sincere person, my heart was far away, practically unapproachable. My heart was safe, yes. But I came to realize that in all the world there was practically nobody who knew what was behind those gargantuan man made barriers. The most tender part of my soul was locked away, only occasionally slipping through the thin cracks and after years of being shut in, it hurt more to stay that way than to set myself free. So a few short months ago the demolition process began. I started to tear the walls down, brick by brick, and with every piece that fell to the ground I began to share the real me and I began to get hurt. As the pain came and went, I began to realize the changes happening not only in me and my relationship with my Savior, but with the people around me. My vulnerability and weakness was more attractive than my falsified strength. People were no longer attracted to me, but rather attracted to the One who sustained me. It was then that I realized that the only way to truly submit to God's will for me is to have faith that he will give me the strength to overcome any situation, and that even when I feel like my heart is broken forever, He can fix it. 

It constantly amazes me how God can use things that feel like tragedies to further his Kingdom. I'm beginning to trust that each little heartbreak and each disappointment is simply because of my lack of faith and twisted perspective. God smiles at me, and just shakes his head the way any father does when their kid does something dumb, puts me back on my feet and encourages me to take the next step, only looking back to see that where I fell was the exact thing I needed to keep moving forward. Even when I betray Him, throw up my walls, and hide my face from him, it is His faithfulness never fails.  

X Marks the Spot

I feel like I am shamelessly free for the first time in my life. I am free to love people. Free to serve. Free to do the things that God has sown in my heart since childhood. Every day, my heart prayer is to be used. To be a living example and to be constantly humbled. Years ago, my dream was Guatemala. In my mind Guatemala was the big red X that marked the spot where dreams come true. My years of schooling and education was all about getting through. I found myself going through the motions and following the dash lines on the map, just praying I could hold on until I could finally reached the final stop, the idealized goal.
Since I can remember, I spent my Saturdays watching some kind of adventure movie, curled up on the couch with my dad. During the commercial breaks we joked about the unrealistic circumstances, talked about how the story had to end, and laughed and teased about the protagonist's journey to whatever God forsaken country or cave full of treasures. The entire movie is leading up to the point that the characters, despite their many trials, meet this one moment, this one place. Rarely do we see what comes after the fact. What do the characters do once they have fulfilled their lifelong struggle to find the big red X on the map of life?
Last year, I got on a plane, my daddy and oldest brother in tow, and reached my idealized destination. Months later, the question hit me... what do I do next? I have reached my goal. Now what? I can't just sit here and stare at the treasure that took me so long to find. I have to do something.
I live in what I consider the most beautiful country full of the most beautiful people on this earth. (Sure, I might be a little biased). I am surrounded by people who work day after day to just meet their simple means, yet still have a smile on their face as they sit around my too small table, sipping coffee and watching their children raid my pantry, looking for the cookies and candies I have hidden in the shelves. For most women, the laundry, dishes, cooking, and household chores take up their entire day. Much less earning income and providing for their hilariously bright and active children. Kids often go to bed hungry. Dads do what they can to provide if they are around at all.
Sometimes I get overwhelmed. I feel like everyone I meet needs a job, help with their homework, and some extra food to fill their bellies. Sometimes I just want to say no more, I can't help, I am just a girl. It is when those thoughts hit the recesses of my mind that I am immediately reminded of my strong, powerful and compassionate Savior, who has put me here, in this country, town, and apartment to further His Kingdom. And thankfully, that requires very little of me and a whole lot of Him.
I can no longer see Guatemala as just a destination. Instead, I can only view this beautiful place as a little piece to God's big picture. I wasn't put here to sit and stare at my treasure. The dream isn't just a destination, it is just a piece in the beautiful process to fulfill the words, "On earth as it is in heaven." For that is the ultimate prize, the infinite destination.

Faithful

I feel like I could write for days about the ways God has been working in my heart in the last few months.  I have written this blog over and over again, but no words I write on a page will accurately depict the changes, the lessons, and the second chances I have experienced recently.

God has been working in my life in ways that I have always longed for, but never imagined could actually happen to me. In Hebrews 6 it says that hope is an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. For the first time in quite awhile I feel that I am filled with hope. The hope that God is going to use me. The hope that my ministry will change lives. The hope that I am walking toward what God most wants for me.

One of the things I both love and hate about the God I serve is the fact that he insists on using people's weaknesses to show that He is strong. God sometimes gives us tasks that he knows we cannot complete on our own. He asks us to do things that will never be done without complete and total reliance on him.   It is completely against my human nature to work with my weaknesses. I like people to think I am strong, that I have it figured out, that I know exactly what I am doing and am confident that I am doing it right. Thankfully, that is not my reality. I am weak and feeble, leaning on a God that carries the world in his hands. And there is something so encouraging and powerful to know that He chose me despite my weaknesses (maybe even because of them).

Though I appear to be independent and at times rebellious of societal pressures, I am insecure and straight up fearful when it comes to doing things on my own. I don't like being put in a place where I could "fail" (whatever that means). But with each day and each little stumble, I am learning what it truly means to rejoice in my weaknesses. I am learning to accept that the cracks and imperfections that cover the surface of my life are what make me so valuable to God. It is because of these faults and this brokenness, that it is unmistakingly clear that anything I do is not from my own power, but something much greater.

When I returned to Guatemala a month ago, I had absolutely no idea what God wanted from me. I was discouraged, beaten down, and full of shame. I had spent two months in the States, and frankly it wasn't the least bit relaxing. I was feeling pressure from every angle. The devil put lies in my head telling me that I should just give up my dream and do the "normal thing". I was downtrodden, broken, and bruised, but despite my illness, my brokenness, and the lapse in joy, one thing was certain: I had to return to Guatemala.

I didn't know what I would encounter when returning to the place I now lovingly call home. I was open to anything and everything, praying that God would guide every step. Trusting that He would lead me, just as he once led Abraham in the "Walk until I tell you to stop" manner.  The first few steps were the hardest, but as I started walking tentatively and prayerfully, one small step after another, I came to realize that trusting the Lord was the only thing that would bring me to my destination.

In my mind I had it all planned out. My back up plans were prepared and I'm sure God just chuckled knowingly as I clumsily strategized how, when, and where He was going to lead me. A week after I arrived in Guatemala, I picked up my parents from the airport to take them to the Intermissions Conference (a weekend conference where missionaries from all over Guatemala gather for fellowship and worship).  Throughout the weekend, my dad would be counseling the missionaries and teaching workshops, I would be relaxing (and in my mind making all kinds of promising connections) and my mom would be hanging out, loving me, and helping me step out of my box and network. The conference was completely encouraging and uplifting, but I left feeling a little discouraged because I still had no promising leads as to where to even begin looking for work. I prayed and prayed that God would just make it clear to me. That I would be overwhelmed with clarity.

The night after the conference I found myself laying in bed thinking about a question my dad had asked in a class about a month before: "If Jesus was here on Earth for one day where would He be, who would He be with, and what would He be doing?" The answer to this question differs quite completely from person to person, because God has given us all passion and compassion for different things, thus there is no right answer (which I hate). I thought about this question for weeks. The fact that I could not come up with an answer bothered me more than you can imagine. If Jesus were on the Earth for just a day would he go to Africa? The US? Asia? Would he feed the hungry? Would he be preaching? Would he focus on a small group? A large group? Would he do miracles?  Finally, I came up with the answer I think I have feared for years: He would love the broken, renew the hearts of the discouraged, and nurse back to health the shattered hearts.

My dad founded a Christian counseling ministry called Plumbline when I was an infant, thus his ministry has been a part of my life since I was a child. Most MK's run as far away from the ministry life as they can, but I've never been one to follow the stereotypes. In my short 19 years, I have seen hearts renewed, lives changed, people healed, and souls saved, but it was never without hard work and hours spent in counseling sessions. I think as Christians we like to believe that once we have Jesus in our lives, the past goes away, and the hurts just don't hurt so bad. Sadly, it's just not true. There has to be healing.

Since living in Guatemala I have seen time and time again spiritual band-aids put on deep wounds. It doesn't do much to really heal the wound as much as just cover it up. I want to change that. I feel that God has put the burden on my heart to follow the passion that has been branded into my mind since childhood: bringing healing to a broken soul through counseling.

With this newfound clarity came a lot of confusion. I found myself feeling overwhelmed without even leaving my bedroom or putting on shoes. The vision of a counseling center is the goal. It is the dream that may take a lifetime to build, but the question remained: What is step one?

I prayed for a whole ten minutes before receiving a text message from a missionary that I had met the first night of the conference and talked with for about 5 minutes the entire weekend. I, being the doubtful crazy person I am, ignored it and kept on praying. I went through my day, buying groceries, visiting a friend, delivering my laundry to the service, and my thoughts kept coming back to that text message that sat idly in my inbox. I planned to call her in the afternoon. Before lunchtime, my phone rang and I was thrilled to see that the same person that had messaged me was now calling me. "Persistent. I like persistent," I thought as I managed to drive my standard down the cobblestone streets and answer my phone, holding it with my ear and shoulder as I switched gears. We chatted for a few minutes about language school and living in Antigua. I smiled as I drove wondering just what God was going to do. I was delighted when she invited me to her home to chat and help me find connections in the missionary community. Little did I know, the conversation we had in front of her house that same afternoon and the agreement that I would help her with her kids the following days would quickly turn into a ministry partnership. I think God smiled as he said, "Andrea, stop. This is it, look around, this is what I have given you".

To say that God has been faithful is the understatement of the century. He has blessed me more than I could ever deserve. He has loved and comforted me more than I can even fathom. He has taken me from the pit of my despair, and set me on firm ground once again, and I feel overwhelmed with the peace of His wonderful presence.

I am still trying to figure out the logistics of how God will use me. I have no clue where he will lead, or what my ministry will grow into as the years progress, but never have I been more confident in the Lords ability to lead me.

Romans 5:3-5
Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Zephaniah 3:17
The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save; He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.