I'm really good at making my own plans, praying to my will, and making the square peg fit in the round hole. I like people to think I've got my life all together, that I have no weaknesses, that I can handle anything anyone throws at me, but I have to tell you, it's not true. In my years of being a minister's kid and growing up in the Christian circle, I got really good at putting a smile on my face, holding my head up high, and acting like everything was okay. Though I was never told by anyone that this was expected, I just knew, that's what I was supposed to do. As I grew older and matured in my relationship with Christ, I realized that all of this smiling and being happy stuff wasn't all it was cracked up to be. I got tired of putting on a pretty face to go to church and saying "I'm great, and how are you?" To everyone who asked how things were going in my life. I got tired of making the square peg fit in the round hole, because frankly, our church (the body of Christ) is full of broken and hurting people. Me included.
So here I am, owning the fact that in the last months, I have been struggling to hold myself together. Please, don't get me wrong, there is no doubt in my mind that Guatemala is exactly where I need to be. There isn't even an inkling of a thought about returning to the States any time soon. Just because things are hard, doesn't mean I'm quitting. In fact, in my life, when things are hard is when I fight all the harder. Which is why I want to be honest, and maybe set the precedent to show that even when God is using you, even when He is working in your life, you can still be broken and feel like a disaster. You can stand in God's presence broken, and he will hold you, and kiss your wounds like any loving father would. God never asked us to be perfect. He never asked us to put on a pretty face and make things look good, but He did tell us to rejoice, and let Him change our hearts.
"... rejoice in sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance,4 and endurance, character, and character, hope. 5 And hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us."
At the end of the day, I would rather be suffering, and growing than be happy and stagnant. The Lord is using me, he is using my struggles, my defeats, my weaknesses to bring me ever closer to Him. Isn't that incredible? That something that can feel so ugly, can be made into something so beautiful.
So here's where I tell you just what's been going on. Lord know's I'm not the most patient of people, but He also knows that I am one of the most stubborn people there is, and when I want something, I will fight until I get it or He straight up slaps me upside the head and says no. Recently, I've been fighting and fighting and fighting with the Lord, and praying and praying for something to happen. I have been praying for my desires to be fulfilled, but through it, God has continued to whisper in my defiant ears, "Wait. You'll see." Waiting, slowing down, and taking time, are not my strong suits. So, in order to teach me, God has forced me to practice.
Last night, my car quit working at what I imagined was the worst time possible. I was in Antigua (20 minutes from home) talking with a friend. It was getting late, so I was about to head home from a long and stressful day, feeling more distraught and alone than before, when mid peal out from my parking spot, my car suddenly stopped working. My mind immediately rushed to the million-and-three things I had on my to-do list for the next day. My boss is returning home, and I had a list a mile long of things I needed/wanted to do to prepare. And in my rush of anger, frustration, bitter hilarity, and everything else that hits you in the face when things don't go your way, I started laughing. I quickly thought to myself, "What in the world, God, this isn't what I need, I need to go home!". Instead, I stayed the night with friends. The next morning, they called up some friends and helped me find a mechanic, they then waited for the mechanic with me, carefully observed everything the mechanic was doing, called another more specialized mechanic, and smiled at me in the process. I arrived home 16 hours after I had planned. I had wanted to get a jump start on the day, alarm set for 6:30 am, but instead, I let my friends help me, admitted that I had no clue how to do any of the things I needed to do in that moment, and sat against a wall while a guy took my car apart in the middle of the street and the day passed without completing a single thing from my list. You know what's funny about it all, though? It was okay. My plans didn't work. I didn't know what to do. I had no clue how to help myself, but in all of that, I was shown just how wonderful the people are that the Lord has given me, and that even when I feel completely helpless, stressed, and like the world might just cave in, God whispers in my defiant ears, "Wait. You'll see"
My struggles, big or small, are all important to God. He can change a moment of frustration and desperation into a reminder that I'm not so alone after all. He teaches me to rejoice in my hardships, and helps me to develop endurance, character, and most of all hope. Because of this, I'm not so upset that things didn't go my way, that I am struggling and broken, or that I don't have things figured out. He is the one who will sustain me. He is the One who lifts me up, puts the pieces back together, and nurses me back to heath, and that is nothing to be ashamed of, that is nothing hide.
