This is a post I have been rolling around in my head for weeks now. I don’t have any complete thoughts about it because it is still so relevant to me, but I am going to try my best to put into words my recent thoughts and feelings about ministry life.

Recently, I have found myself doing countless things that I don’t feel capable of. I’m ashamed to admit that in the last weeks I have not been the “faithful servant” God asks us to be. Instead I have been stuck in a combination of confused, frustrated, heartbroken, and angry. God has put things in my hands lately that I just want to get rid of. I immediately want to drop it on the ground and stomp it to pieces, or pass it on to someone else as fast as I can hot-potato style. But instead of smashing it, passing it on, or pretending it’s not there, I have to take it, embrace it, nurture it, and make it work.

This season is a hard one. I am frustrated because no matter how hard I try I am not good at a lot of things. I like to be right. I like to have the right answers, to have it all together, to know what I’m doing. But I don’t, and I haven’t for quite awhile now. It’s a humbling thing to be bad at something, and yet still have to do it on a regular basis.

Most days when I am working at the orphanage or in the village I get this overwhelming feeling that I am way out of my range of abilities. I am not a teacher. I am not an evangelist, I am not a cook, I am not a shopper, I am not a doctor, and the list goes on…. I am not a lot of things. Yet, here I am, teaching, evangelizing, cooking, shopping, doctoring etc. And it hurts. The weight and stress of  teaching Bible lessons, caring for sick children, loving on desperate moms, nurturing hurting kids, and the over all heart brokenness is getting to me. I am tired of the people I love being used and abused. I am tired of helpless children being hurt for the amusement of others. I am tired of seeing my friends go without food. I am tired of sickness, of pain, of suffering. I am tired of children being abandoned. I am tired of seeing so many people written off as unimportant, useless, and worthless.

I am not a lot of things, but I am a follower of Christ, and his servant, a slave to righteousness, a light in darkness, an ambassador of hope. And for that reason, I keep going. It’s the reason I don’t roll over into a hole and cry. Every day I wake up with purpose. And most days that purpose requires me to do a lot of things that I’m not good at.  
God has been working in my heart, humbling me, preparing me, nurturing me, and so many other things. I feel content and joyful, but my heart continues to break. God is my hope, my rock, my foothold, my love, and it is He that will repair these broken hearts, heal the sick, love the hurting, all I have to do is show up and be willing. And that is one of the things I'm really good at.

Romans 6:16 says “Don't you realize that you become the slave of whatever you choose to obey? You can be a slave to sin, which leads to death, or you can choose to obey God, which leads to righteous living.”

I have chosen to obey God, and now I have to do what it is He has given me to do.