He's Stronger

I could never do it on my own. Why did I think that I could now? Maybe I figured that because I was older, wiser, maybe, grown up, that I could handle the struggles of my best friends. Guide them to the right path, pull them out of the rut, all on my own. But the truth of the matter, is that my strength lapsed, and I fell down right with them. I had forgotten the strength of my Father. I had forgotten the comfort that comes through prayer. I had forgotten who He was. I couldn't do it without Him. It hurt too much. I wasn't strong enough.
Every morning, I wake up and tell myself that today I am going to take on the world; I am going to learn, grow, live and do. But the truth of the matter is that I can't do any of that without my Savior. I'm just a kid. As a child, God put this passion in my heart to help people and to serve, but my human nature has twisted this passion into a desperate need to be needed. Recently, this need has come back to bite me.
One of my best friends has been struggling in many aspects, and me being who I am, I tried to take it on all by myself. I would mention God, talk about His love, and what He did in my life, but never actually ask Him for help. I was doing it all on my own. I don't know why it was surprising to me that my methods of love weren't working. My best friend was drowning, and I was heartbroken. Why wasn't God helping? Where was He? The pain of taking it all on was burying me in resentment, anger and despair. I couldn't handle the pressure of doing it on my own. It hurt. I was damaging myself and, consequently, not helping my friend heal. I was furthering his pain and adding to his stress. My friend, Jason, needed me. But what he and I both needed was the comfort and peace that only our God can bring. A comfort and peace that are much bigger than us and our issues. He wont give us anything we can't handle. After weeks, maybe months of taking it all on on my own, I came to the startling realization that I was failing. My help was nothing without God. I couldn't do it anymore. I was a fool. My strength had lapsed, and all that was left was my desperate need for a Savior. My need for productivity led to loads of damages. Jason and I both needed restoration. We needed our glasses refilled. We needed Jesus. It was when the truth finally came out, and both Jason and I started relying on the Truth that things began to change. For the first time in a long time, there was hope, joy, peace. We could finally drag ourselves out of the facade that we had put ourselves in and heal, together, through Christ.
The very night that I laid all my struggles, all Jason's struggles, all my fear, all my anger, at the foot of the cross was the night that healing began. I was lost in the need to help. God was waiting, he knew. That night, I prayed that my stupidity would be used for the glory of God, and incredibly, despite my absolute ridiculousness, God was still working. I am constantly amazed at how God uses us, broken, stupid, and completely human as we are. I don't deserve His mercy. I don't deserve His grace, hope, or peace. I've messed it up a million times, yet he uses me. I am completely undeserving. I am humbled. I am at peace. I am growing. And I will never understand why He chose me. But he did.