I have to be honest: I miss laughing. My best friends in the States would leave me with a hurting belly and sore cheeks after eating dinner together or playing frisbee in the parking lot on nearly a daily basis. I laughed with my parents over the stupid TV shows we would watch. I laughed with my brother as we wrestled over our favorite blankets on the couch. We laughed all day, every day.
If any of you know me well, you know that I love deep conversation, I thrive off of it, but I also thrive off of witty humor and pure hilarity. I love making witty and sarcastic comments. I love to laugh at my own jokes. I love being tickled. I love when you get to that point when you are laughing so hard you can't breathe. I love that awkward silent moment after a joke and before everyone explodes into laughter. I love having to bend over to hold my stomach because I'm laughing so hard I can't stand up straight. I love it. All of it.
It's hard to laugh when you have no clue what is happening around you. It's hard to make jokes when you can't speak a language. I don't understand jokes. I don't understand why people laugh. So instead of having deep and heartfelt conversations and laughing so hard I can't stand up, I've found myself in constant silence. Listening. Learning. Growing closer to the Lord.
In the silence that is my life, I've found a refuge in the One who made me with this overwhelming desire to laugh. He understands, and lets me laugh at myself. He brings a joy to my life that I wouldn't have known otherwise. I've found myself talking to God as I drive home from work, walk around Antigua, and clean my little room. I make jokes to myself at the dinner table and I laugh at myself and He laughs with me. The other day some guys whistled at me as I walked down the street and I said, "Can you believe that, God? Why do they do that?" And He laughed at me. He laughed with me.
Though I miss having friends, I love have having God. I miss laughing, but I love rejoicing. I cry because I miss things, and He laughs because he has a plan.
It's wonderful to serve such and incredible loving Father, a father who knows your every thought, your every desire, your every heartache.
Last night I told my mom that I had too good of friends in the States, that I should have never made friends so I would never know that right now I am lonely. And at that, she laughed. And I laughed knowing just how stupid I really am. The Lord gave me those friends, and gave me this time of silence so I will know what it's like to depend on Him, to make Jesus my best friend, to laugh with Him, to cry with Him, to walk down the street leaning on Him.
It's not easy, this life of silence and solitude, but it's good. It's good for me to know what it's like to let Jesus hold me and talk to me and whisper His secrets in my ear. It's good for me to have to rely on the Lord for comfort. I have no other choice but to run to him in the good times and the bad. After a day of joy, I run to Him. After a day of sorrow, I run to Him. And he holds me all the same, and reminds me that He is my comfort, my healer, my friend.
engadiministries.org
For everyone who knows that inner voice and shares that inner joy, hearing you talk about it brings tons of precious memories. Thank you, Sugar. Love you, Dad
ReplyDeleteSo, you know how I am cleaning out boxes from my attic that are WAYY old...and throwing away half colored coloring books, and emptying purses my girls used when they where 6 or 8 or 10...and I discovered one of the girls had a Laffy Taffy wrapper collection. I am not kidding about this. I could send you the collection, and we would both laugh out loud...
ReplyDeleteI once heard a woman I respect greatly say that we know God has laughter as a part of His person because of the faces of kittens and puppies, and how babies laugh/smile with their whole bodies. Hang on sweet girl, all the pieces will fit soon enough. Enjoy today, and the sound of laughter. Bless God, bless others, be blessed.