Never has my heart been more exposed than it is now. Yet never has it been more secure in the hands of my Savior, my Protector and Friend. I have fallen in love with this place, and the people who fill it. I have brought people close, loved them like I would never have let myself before, and opened my heart, praying that the the benefits and relationships from this will outweigh the hurt that could come at any given moment.
One thing I have come to know full well is that building walls and guarding my heart, keeps people from seeing the One who lives in it. In the past I decided that building walls was the easiest way to survive. With walls in place it was nearly impossible to get hurt, and when someone or something mades it over the wall, it meant I needed to build them stronger, higher, and thicker. I hid my heart away from anything that could bring me pain. Though I appeared like a happy, genuine, sincere person, my heart was far away, practically unapproachable. My heart was safe, yes. But I came to realize that in all the world there was practically nobody who knew what was behind those gargantuan man made barriers. The most tender part of my soul was locked away, only occasionally slipping through the thin cracks and after years of being shut in, it hurt more to stay that way than to set myself free. So a few short months ago the demolition process began. I started to tear the walls down, brick by brick, and with every piece that fell to the ground I began to share the real me and I began to get hurt. As the pain came and went, I began to realize the changes happening not only in me and my relationship with my Savior, but with the people around me. My vulnerability and weakness was more attractive than my falsified strength. People were no longer attracted to me, but rather attracted to the One who sustained me. It was then that I realized that the only way to truly submit to God's will for me is to have faith that he will give me the strength to overcome any situation, and that even when I feel like my heart is broken forever, He can fix it.
It constantly amazes me how God can use things that feel like tragedies to further his Kingdom. I'm beginning to trust that each little heartbreak and each disappointment is simply because of my lack of faith and twisted perspective. God smiles at me, and just shakes his head the way any father does when their kid does something dumb, puts me back on my feet and encourages me to take the next step, only looking back to see that where I fell was the exact thing I needed to keep moving forward. Even when I betray Him, throw up my walls, and hide my face from him, it is His faithfulness never fails.
